How to keep your man happy in bed.

 

How to keep your man happy in bed.

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The following imaginative scenario contains no provocative material. More’s the pity.

Let’s begin with full disclosure. I am 80 and have been on my own recognizance for a goodly number of years. No man in sight. I live in such a place that I am unlikely to garner one of those plum prizes. Or is it prune prize? After all, I am the only single gringo woman in this little cow-town. I am amenable to partnering up, but, let’s face it, that is highly unlikely to happen.

I like men and am not lacking in knowledge. Let me share what I know with you.

What do men love most? Easy question. Football. Go Team!

Me, I’ve never understood football. Hide the ball under a pile of bodies, kill and maim. Where is the fun in that? Baseball, now that is sport. Basketball, I get it. I like it. A game centered around a ball and scoring without blood.

Since this is not about my personal aversion to either football or television, that monster thief of time, thief of thought, thief of . . . you get the picture, the first thing I would recommend is to hang a big screen thief, I mean television, on the bedroom wall opposite the bed. This is advice about what your man likes most. Suck it up, cupcake.  

Otherwise, let him clutter up, I mean, arrange the room to suit his needs in his way. A man likes his space to be his space. You might want to make sure the gadget that controls the television is within his arm’s reach and can be easily located by him at all times. Otherwise, stay out of the way.

After football, what is the next thing closest to every man’s heart?

No, no, no, no. Age, remember. We are addressing needs of men of a certain age.

Food. Yes, food. My suggestions are completely optional, not to mention notional, of course, but football and food go together. What could be more thoughtful and loving than a small fridge for cold drinks and small snacks and perhaps a mini-microwave tucked into one of the corners of the bedroom. This may seem a bit over the top to you, but remember the word “happy”.  At this age what might have formerly seemed decadent, now seems “why ever not”!

Football + food = Happy Man.

What about the female, part in this “part”nership, you ask. I’m getting to that. Yes, my next idea also involves a marriage of television with food. Periodically, not so often that the shared experience becomes mundane nor so seldom that it becomes anniversary material, I suggest that you pop up a huge bowl of popcorn, liberally buttered, to share. Tuck into the other side of the bed next to your man, bowl of popcorn balanced on your laps, snuggle hip to hip and stream a rom-com, something of your choice.

After the movie, after a goodnight kiss or two, if it were me, I’d stroll down the hallway to my own television free, popcorn free zone, to my own bedroom on the opposite side of the house, for a good night’s sleep.

*Back massage and foot rubs optional and reciprocal.

**I have been told I have a rich fantasy life.

***I also was told I’ve been single so long that I’ve lost touch with reality.

Sondra Ashton

HWC: Looking out my back door

June 12, 2025

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