A shift in
perspective
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This morning
Leo brought me a box of twenty-four jumbo Crayola Crayones and a pad with a
dozen dry cakes of water colors. Along with the requisite brush. Just like we
used back in first grade. Oh, also a tube of school glue. Little girl stuff.
Things
change. When I was six, our water paints came in a tin.
The crayones
smell similar but I know from coloring with my grandchildren that some
essential ingredient is missing because the colors are not as vibrant as they
used to be and the crayons do not slide across the paper with the same ease.
And we used jars
of white paste that the boys licked off their fingers. Scissors? Check. String?
Check. Plus a book with thick glossy pages I am willing to destroy and donate
to the cause.
Funny you
should ask. Yes, I do have a project in mind. I’ve been ‘guilted’ back into a
stab at the visual arts. Tongue in cheek, I thank you, Nancie for asking why
I’m not painting and thank you, Pam, for sending me Carolyn’s newsletter. Grrr.
Ouch. Bit my tongue.
First, let
me rewind time and tell you a little story from long ago. I had survived a
rough and rocky patch of life, not unscathed. When I emerged, I could not tell
you who I had become, what I wanted, what I liked, what I believed. I could only
tell you what I thought you wanted to hear. I had erased the woman I was, with
help, but that is beside the point.
I’ve no idea
how the solution came to me. Sometimes we receive gifts from an Unknown Source.
I thought back to when I was eight years old. I took a look at how that little
girl spent her time. I saw what clothes she liked to wear, watched her with her
friends.
Taking clues
from that girl at eight, ten, and twelve, remembering how I felt then, I
rebuilt my life. Not all at once. It is a process, still on-going in fits and
starts. Lifetime warranty.
I made
simple changes. Dressed for comfort rather than to impress. Quit trying to make
my straight hair curl. Took more walks along rivers and in the woods. Found new
friends. That kind of thing. Little girl
stuff.
Fast forward
to this summer. When I moved to Mexico, I brought along art supplies. I
pictured me painting in my retirement. The artist supplies never came out of
retirement. Until one day this summer I dragged the boxes out of my bodega, set
up my easel on the patio, cleaned my brushes and created a space in which to
dabble.
To say my
first effort was a travesty is a kindness. It was so bad that I threw the
canvas in the trash, re-boxed my supplies, and stowed everything away in the
bodega. I gave up.
This
reaction isn’t like me. I’m a great believer in making mistakes, doing a job
poorly, learn, make a new plan and go at it again. Something about the
experience felt vaguely familiar, in an icky way.
Gifts are
strange and sneaky things, they are. Some arrive, no extra charge, whether we
want them or not.
Even guilt can be a gift. My guilt came in the
back door, niggling doubts about my raft of reasons for throwing my canvas in
the trash and quitting. That ‘essential tremor’, a misnomer if I’ve ever heard
one, had flared up. True. I had sewing projects I wanted to finish and one led
to another. Also true. I’m not good enough so why bother. True but what does
that have to do with anything? I am really not interested in painting right
now, maybe later. Right? That excuse didn’t convince me either.
My rationalizations
all held a bit of truth and a measure of dishonesty. I’ve had the tremor for
years and it doesn’t stop me from threading needles. I’ll always have sewing
projects, none on a timeline. This summer I threw away two that didn’t work and
each time, cut out the next length of fabric and kept going. ‘Good’ has nothing
to do with enjoyment. And “I don’t want to paint” sounds like a toddler’s
tantrum.
Hence, back
to the crayons and children’s art supplies, to do something that does not have
to be ‘good’, does not have to meet any criteria of excellence. Little girl
stuff.
Now and then
I misplace my sense of humor. I get full of myself, my ideas, judgements,
opinions and desires. My problems and solutions, big or little, in the end,
don’t matter.
I always
fall into a trap when I take myself seriously instead of being content to take
life as it comes, scribbles and all.
Sondra
Ashton
HDN: Looking
out my back door
October 22,
2020
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